Lately, I have been having these bouts of insomnia, not because I am busy with hospital duty or studying my sanity off, but I am at a phase of my life where I got out of a pseudo relationship where Ithought would last this time around.
If you have been following my posts before, one would note that I was happily and exclusively dating this nurse I met during my Junior Medical Internship last school year. And if you’ve known me since high school, one would further note that I was one of those hopeless romantics who falls in love madly and falls away just as quickly. With that being said, as time passes on and as one matures, one no longer plays around and starts thinkig seriously about commitment and possibly his or her future with a significant other.
Thus, when I decided to court this nurse, I thought that this is it, she is the one, no longer will I subject myself to going through courting a girl ever again. But like all good things, they must sadly come to a certain end… No matter how perfect it may be.
I will not give off information as to why I decided to leave and no longer date her, simply put, she was not on the same page as me in terms of commitment. Simply put… She was not ready. Other factors apart from that accumulated thus leading me to decide, though with so much doubt that this would be best, to just leave her. And with everything stacking up, I decided to really leave. Though it hurts, I know it will hurt more, the longer I stay.
3 weeks into leaving, I have this bipolar nature wherein I go “Okay, time to put the hammer down, work hard, study hard, and show her what she is missing…” And then I go to a phase where I go “Did I just screw up?”. Depression then looms and I begin to think further that maybe, I am the only one sulking, that maybe, she is not feeling as bad as I am about what had tarnspired; that her life will go on the way it was, happily, unaffected, by my leaving. A shout out to girls, some guys do feel bad when they leave a girl or when a girl leaves them. Not all guys get over these things with a drink or two… It lingers.
Have I made a mistake? Depends on my mood… When I am happy, I made the best decision, otherwise when I am all depressed, I feel I should have stayed. But like what I said earlier, I knew in my heart, the longer I stayed, the more I get hurt. And from Shindou Chihiro, “I want to break up while I can still say I love you.” was exactly how I would want to end this pseudo relationship.
Maybe one day, we’d get back together when she is ready, when my heart stops breaking, and when we both are finally more mature, but somehow, I don’t see it happening. I know I will still be in this slump for a little longer, but it’s because this meant something to me and was taken for granted. You’d expect us guys to do this to girls, but not the other way around.
Just have to take this day by day, become a better doctor not to hurt her and make her realize her loss, but for me… For my patients. Use these negative emotions for positive outcomes. How long will I sulk? Probably longer than I can imagine, but when that time come that I will recover completely, I hope me and that nurse will be able to grab a cup of coffee with no awkwardness between us, look back and reminisce, on what sure made the both of us happy…